I met with John Watson to find out what he knew about me, and to collect some information I agreed on with Tony. He refused to tell me everything I wanted to know, so I attacked him.
[He's keeping it brief, not shying away from what he did. He knows he did a terrible thing here.]
I broke his nose, I sliced a tendon in his leg, and I strangled him until he passed out. I tied him to a chair and questioned him.
[Oh, good. The absolute worst case scenario. And what did she tell him? Things would be worse if he stayed by himself and kept isolated? Amazingly, she was right.]
[He's scared. Scared and confused and he can't trust his own head any longer. The whispers of the shadows, and the paranoia that just keeps mounting, death and possible programming, and the betrayal of a friend. Everything just piled up and snapped, but it's just an excuse. A flimsy excuse that he won't give.]
[It's such a pitiful explanation. The business-like tone cracks a little.]
I don't know what happened. I was so angry with him for lying to me, and I promised to get this information, and I just-- crossed the line. I said I didn't want to hurt him, and then I did it anyway.
I planned to meet him, I planned to find out the information, I hoped he would just talk to me. But you're right, I knew there was a possibility he wouldn't and that I'd have to make him.
No. You didn't have to do anything, Bucky. You aren't a blunt force object. Your choices are your own now, for better or for worse, and this time you made the wrong one.
[He doesn't even try and defend his choices here, he knows he made the wrong ones. He hesitates, but he can't risk it any more. He called for a purpose, he needs her.]
I really messed up, I did something unforgivable. But I need your help. [A pause, more quietly:] Please.
[Damn, that's a long way away, almost the complete opposite end of town. He's silent for a second or two.]
I'm not sure how fast I'll be able to move north. He's still going to help with my frostbite. [The guilt is palpable in his voice there.] The arm will have to come off, parts of my shoulder too, I won't be able to move fast.
[God, Bucky. That only makes her more frustrated somehow.]
Have I ever told you you're one of the most stubborn men I've ever met? In both incarnations?
[If he'd just listened to her, maybe his frostbite wouldn't have gotten so bad, and maybe he would have been with them and she could have stopped him from hurting Watson. Still, on some level, she knows it isn't really going to help to yell at him, so she pulls it back.]
I'm sorry. About your arm. We'll get to you as quickly as we can.
[It's all he needs to say, really. He doesn't need the sympathy for his arm, nor does he need her to tell him how badly he's screwed this up. When Steve returns, because he will return, he's going to be so disappointed.
Bucky wants to say more, but he can't seem to find the words, so he just hovers over the button to hang up.]
[Now she's being so kind to him as well, even after what he's done.
He's not sure he's worth this. But he'll accept the help, because he doesn't want to make this kind of mistake again. And he'll accept the consequences of what he's done, he won't try and hide it or pretend nothing happened.
But his throat feels sort of tight and he finds he can't really reply to her, so he just ends the call and hopefully she'll understand.]
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@itsybitsy; audio; private
Why? What happened?
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[He sighs, a hiss of static down the speaker.]
It wasn't the programming, it was me.
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Tell me what you did.
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[He's keeping it brief, not shying away from what he did. He knows he did a terrible thing here.]
I broke his nose, I sliced a tendon in his leg, and I strangled him until he passed out. I tied him to a chair and questioned him.
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What the hell were you thinking?
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I don't know, I crossed a line.
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[She's not yelling yet, but her voice is clipped and frustrated.]
How badly injured is he? Was he treated?
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He's treating himself now. He's not in danger of dying, but his leg is badly damaged. Ribs broken, nose broken, bruised windpipe.
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And what, exactly, did you think this would accomplish?
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[It's such a pitiful explanation. The business-like tone cracks a little.]
I don't know what happened. I was so angry with him for lying to me, and I promised to get this information, and I just-- crossed the line. I said I didn't want to hurt him, and then I did it anyway.
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You planned it, though, didn't you? It wasn't an irrational decision done in the moment out of anger.
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[He's trying to be honest here.]
I planned to meet him, I planned to find out the information, I hoped he would just talk to me. But you're right, I knew there was a possibility he wouldn't and that I'd have to make him.
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[She lets out a quiet, frustrated noise.]
Where are you?
no subject
[He doesn't even try and defend his choices here, he knows he made the wrong ones. He hesitates, but he can't risk it any more. He called for a purpose, he needs her.]
I really messed up, I did something unforgivable. But I need your help. [A pause, more quietly:] Please.
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[Even if she's angry. He's admitting it and asking for her help, which is what she needs to focus on.]
We're at the entrance to Kesara's tunnels. It will take us a while to reach you even if you head north, but we'll move as quickly as we can.
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I'm not sure how fast I'll be able to move north. He's still going to help with my frostbite. [The guilt is palpable in his voice there.] The arm will have to come off, parts of my shoulder too, I won't be able to move fast.
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Have I ever told you you're one of the most stubborn men I've ever met? In both incarnations?
[If he'd just listened to her, maybe his frostbite wouldn't have gotten so bad, and maybe he would have been with them and she could have stopped him from hurting Watson. Still, on some level, she knows it isn't really going to help to yell at him, so she pulls it back.]
I'm sorry. About your arm. We'll get to you as quickly as we can.
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[It's all he needs to say, really. He doesn't need the sympathy for his arm, nor does he need her to tell him how badly he's screwed this up. When Steve returns, because he will return, he's going to be so disappointed.
Bucky wants to say more, but he can't seem to find the words, so he just hovers over the button to hang up.]
--I'm really sorry. [So sorry.] Goodbye, Natasha.
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[He knows he screwed up, and she doesn't want him to hesitate to ask for help in the future.]
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He's not sure he's worth this. But he'll accept the help, because he doesn't want to make this kind of mistake again. And he'll accept the consequences of what he's done, he won't try and hide it or pretend nothing happened.
But his throat feels sort of tight and he finds he can't really reply to her, so he just ends the call and hopefully she'll understand.]